Celebrating Dads On The Block

"New Mum On The Block "
Nelson District Parent Centre Newsletter July/August 2006

Dads. They are underestimated, I believe. A lot of literature and media hype is directed towards women and motherhood and the battles, judgements and dilemmas they face in the modern age. However, in our antenatal class dads were acknowledged as having an important role to play in the grand scheme of things. They were put into groups and asked to share their feelings – in a kiwi bloke kind-of-a-way. I know my hubby was relieved to find that other dads-to-be were just as terrified as he was about the impending birth awaiting them. A lot of pressure goes on the poor dads to be the support person – and that of course, means offering support - in a kiwi bloke kind-of-a-way. What about the dads who are somewhat faint-hearted? I’ve heard of more than one dad who went quite queasy within labour and had to leave the room and breathe quietly into a paper bag somewhere. Or in one case a dad who actually fainted.

A few months back at the Lions playground in Tahuna, I was the only mum present. The rest of the adults were dads. It’s not often I get outnumbered by dads when I go to the playground or to any of Amelia’s weekly activities such as Playgroup and music. Typically the places I frequent with my toddler are littered with mums. And when dads make an appearance, it’s somewhat of a rarity. But dads are hands-on these days.

Fathers are in many cases the strong, unseen force in the family, even though they may be physically absent weekdays. Sure, they go out and bring home the bacon but they do much more than that. Dads in this day and age are very often present at the birth. When I arrived into the world thirty-something years ago, it was common for the men to be pacing the hospital floor, outside the delivery room. How times have changed. If anything it’s considered somewhat abnormal if a dad isn’t present at the birth. Mums may feel somewhat displaced redefining themselves within motherhood after several years in the workforce. But dads have different issues. They are out at work, supporting the family and then at home in hands-on parenting roles quite different to their fathers a generation ago.

My birthing experience was kind of like an outer body experience – a c-section with a general on the side. And so, I don’t have a colourful tale of hours of labour – in fact, I don’t have a tale to tell! I remain to this day completely clueless as to what a contraction even feels like. But, my hubby was there for the whole duration of Amelia’s birth. It was he who held my hand as the general was administered. He who prayed “on demand” for me. He who watched me being prepped for a c-section and then subsequently, he who witnessed the c-section. And it was he who held Amelia for the first time – at least a good half hour before I was “awake.”
And hubby has been hands on with Amelia all the way. He has been chief bather from the very beginning. And for the last few months has put Amelia to bed as well which has freed up my evenings to, er, watch tv…

But it’s not just the physical, hands on stuff that dads help us mums out with. It’s the emotional too. Hubby was there through all my irrational and hormonal-filled tears in the early months. He was there as I learnt to breastfeed, and he endured (and still does!) living with a sleep deprived wife, as well as skimping on sleep himself.

We try to work as a team and to support each other as much as possible. After all, we are raising our daughter and working (some weeks) almost 60 hours between us without any outside support. And I work just eight hours out of that so you do the math. Hubby is the one out there doing the long hours in the workforce.

I can see what a special and close bond Amelia and her dad share. I am lucky to have such a hands-on hubby with our daughter. When he gets up in the weekend to Amelia’s 6am start and I get to lie in a bit longer, it is wonderful to hear them laughing together in the lounge. And to get the extra zzzs of course. Lately I’ve been broadening my horizons a bit outside of motherhood. Going out with girlfriends the odd Saturday night and even venturing to the gym. I know I never need worry as not only is Amelia in the safest hands possible, she is also in the most loving. They say a mothers work is never done but in all fairness, is a fathers work ever done either?