"New Mum On The Block "
Nelson District Parent Centre Newsletter March/April
I have yet to meet a new Mum who wasn't stripped bare with the whole childbirth experience. Right from the word go there is so much for the new Mum to get her head around – breastfeeding (not as easy as it looks and no guarantees it will even work), nappies (has any one Mum ever managed to perfect the folding of a hospital cloth nappy?), gingerly bathing something smaller than your cat and operating on a ridiculous amount of sleep even though your body is screaming for a week long break on a tropical island somewhere.
Obviously us new Mums are in over our heads. Of course we need support. A ton of it please! And encouragement. We need a shoulder to cry on when the going gets tough, people to tell us we are doing a good job of raising our bundle of joy even though there is dried baby puke on one shoulder and bags under our eyes that hint that perhaps longer than a week on that tropical island may be needed to recoup ourselves. And do tell us we look good even though we are traipsing around in the trackies we swore we'd never be seen dead in or that you turned up unannounced to find us still in our PJ's at 2pm.
A generation or two ago it was a given that a new Mum would have her extended family close by when the newborn arrived. Motherhood was witnessed amongst family and mothering tips handed down in a natural way. These days a lot of us don't have our extended family around us. And so unless we want to go it alone, we are reliant on reaching out within our community for support.
Because we don't have family who live in town, hubby and I set out to create a support network by firstly attending antenatal classes at the Parent Centre. These were an excellent way to connect with other parents-to-be . The Baby And You classes were my initiation into mixing with Mums and bubs. A coffee group followed where it was a relief to know there were other Mums I could meet with that were in the same boat .
Coffee group gave a bit of a structure to my week in the early months of motherhood. Apart from one or two other Mums I'd known before motherhood, these were the only women I socialised with regularly. It's been great to watch our babies move through each stage together – from newborn to infant to toddler and within the next couple of months they will all be approaching Two! As Mums naturally play the comparison game, coffee groups can have a bit of a competitive vibe, yet it is good to check in with those who are raising children the same age.
When Amelia was around six months, I branched out into taking her to a local Playgroup and music group. By taking her to these groups on a regular basis, it started to feel as though my Mum community was forming. New friendships are developing from these groups, but really the support I get from attending these groups is simply in knowing and seeing other Mums out there, week in, week out. In passing one might have a casual conversation about anything from childbirth to toilet training. You can turn up at of these groups after having had a challenging episode with your pride and joy, only to have it all melt away somewhat once you are greeted by a sea of Mums with their tots. In that instance you know you're not alone. So this week when Amelia's groups started up again I was glad to be back in the swing of it all as not only do these groups add structure to our week, a place for Amelia to play and socialise, they also provide me with a great deal of support.
Sooner or later as parents you realise that it is an incredible challenge to raise your child on your own. We did it for what seemed like a long time. Occasionally my Mum would babysit when in town, but very sporadically. I knew we could “just go out and get a babysitter” if we really wanted to, but like many first-time parents, I didn't want just anyone looking after our daughter. So through our antenatal class, a friendship started to develop with another couple who didn't have family in town either. When Amelia was around 18 months, we were ready to start having regular time-outs to ourselves and we suggested babysitting swaps.
So in the weekends hubby and I have been going out for brunch, knowing our daughter is in safe hands. I smile inwardly at other parents who are getting up fifty times during their brunches while I pour my third cup of tea in a row without moving once. (except to maybe go to the loo...) It is a good feeling being able to hand over your child to someone else to look after, even if it is only for an hour and a half once a week.
Support isn't just about babysitters and mixing with a community of Mums, it's also about being respected for the way you choose to raise your children. In this day and age there are so many variations on how to “have it all” as such. It would seem many a Mum is in a quandary as to what might work best for them. There are many reasons why Mums opt to stay home fulltime just as there are many reasons why Mums choose to work casually, part-time or fulltime. Noone has the right to judge another's decision.
Yet us Mums do need to ask for support so that we are able to be the best Mums we can, regardless of whether we choose to be at-home Mums or to combine work with motherhood. Noone else can guess our needs. I've learnt that I have to pencil in time-outs for the things I need to do to keep me sane and healthy. I've also learnt to grasp the pockets of time that do come up during the week as my daughter becomes more independent.
In the early days I turned to Plunket for advice, and made contact with the Postnatal Depression Support Network here in Nelson following a traumatic birthing experience. I have phoned Healthline off and on over the last 22 months with varying questions from problems with breastfeeding to tending to a toddler with a worrying stomach bug. There are organisations to phone for support. It is important to reach out as none of us can be expected to know it all.
Someone just this week quoted me with the African proverb it takes a village to raise a child. There is a lot of truth in that one as none of us can do the child-rearing thing alone.
