The Invite

Entered in 2007 Bank of New Zealand Katherine Mansfield Awards. (short story competition)
Fitting in with the crowd isn't always easy. Warning: some content may offend.

Tabatha looked down at the invitation lying on her desk:

Friday night. 8pm. BYO plate to match the theme.

And the theme?

Dildo Party

What the? Tabatha put her head in her hands and sighed. Why on earth had she being invited to such a thing? She wasn't even that “friendly” with Bronwyn, her supervisor, who was hosting the shin-ding. And she didn't particularly like Sue, Cindy or Chris – The Tight Threesome who would be there, giggling like silly things after just a glass of wine each. Oh god.

“I see you got the invite”.
Oh god. Bronwyn.

“Yes Bronwyn” she managed to say. “Thanks for that. I, um I...”
“You will be coming?” she said “It would be good for team morale if we could all make it. You know, all of us girls in accounts.”

Oh gawd, again. All of us girls in accounts. Well that was a hypocritical statement in itself, anyway. Sure, they were all members of the fairer sex but they weren't a team beyond sharing the same workspace. It was The Tight Threesome who went out for morning teas, girlie lunchtime shopping sprees, facials or a sneaky visit to the bar across the road. Bronwyn was a little older than the rest of them. A thirty-something who was content with family life. She was the boss, she was meant to be on the outer a bit. But Tabatha, she just wasn't a chardonnay-drinking, fashionista despite being around the same age as her work colleagues.

Tabatha's favourite pastime was watching reruns of Seinfeld, having a bubble bath and then going to bed before 9pm with a good book. She did that every week night. And in the weekends her best friend Heidi sometimes came round and they sat and watched a new release DVD with a pile of junk-food that they'd forbidden themselves from eating the week before. Yep, a week of living sensibly off the pyramid food group and then it was all blown in one night. Junk food was her vice, not alcohol.

Bronwyn was tapping her fingers now on Tabatha's desk. So what kind of an excuse is this one going to come up with? She's single, stays in nights so surely there's so other social invites likely to be penciled in her (LOL) – diary.

And Tabatha just couldn't think of a legitimate excuse. So she resigned herself to coming.
“Ok” she squeaked.
“Great!” said Bronwyn. “Just, you know, vamp it up a bit.” And she winked at her as she walked off. Oh great. Tabatha's entire wardrobe was pretty much a department store ensemble. Cheap, sensible clothing. What on earth was she meant to wear to a (god-awful) Dildo Party?!

Thank God for Heidi. Lunchtime the next day they were in one of the trendy fashion chain-stores, trying on some of the latest styles. Tabatha had on a mini-dress, Heidi a long jumper. It was the beginning of Winter and they were both standing there in their neon white, untoned and unwaxed legs. Add the lighting from the fluro bulbs in the changing room, and they looked truly hideous.

“How's it going?” The bouncing, petite assistant popped her head round the curtain. “That would look great with fishnets” she said to Tabatha, and then to Heidi “ And yours with a thick belt. Should I get you one? We have some fishnets in store too...”

“Ok” they both said. Minutes later, they looked a fraction better. But they weren't convinced. Then Tabatha recognised the unmistakable peels of laughter emanating from the next cubicle. Oh god – The Tight Threesome.

“You look hot”
“You look hotter”.
“No, we are all to die for.”
Hee, hee, hee.

Oh man, if they had American accents they'd have been cast into the movie Clueless. They were the Kiwi version of tacky.

Tabatha stepped out. Dammit, Chris was emerging from her cubicle in the same dress! Of course, she looked like a model in it in her size eight figure whereas Tabatha's curves gave the dress a more filled-out look.

“What a surprise!” Chris cooed “Fancy seeing you here!”
And then the three were all on her, like a hawk swooping in on it's prey.
“I've never seen you in a dress before”
“What's the occasion?”
Not entirely bitchy, but close enough.

Within minutes Tabatha and Heidi were out of the shop. They were going to have to work a bit harder to get something a bit more original. They ended up in a recycled clothing shop where Tabatha found a cute top and jacket that looked great with her jeans. Flag the dress, it wasn't her anyway. This was her version of vamping-it-up.

Tabatha was the last to arrive at the party. Clearly, everyone had had a few before she even turned up. And so when she walked in, no one noticed at first, so engrossed they were in company gossip. And the latest about Paris Hilton. The Tight Threesome weren't in agreement around Paris's fate. Chris thought she should be in prison, the other two did not. Of all the things to debate about in this world...

“Tabatha, how lovely to see you!” Bronwyn gushed even though it was 8pm on a Friday night and they'd only parted ways three hours ago at the end of the working day.
“Hi. Thanks” said Tabatha “Ah, where do you want this?” And Bronwyn looked down and smiled at the breasts she'd created out of chocolate marshmellows, stuck together with melted chocolate with jaffas as nipples.
“Hilarious!” she said, almost in disbelief. The Tight Threesome helloed her and then squealed too when they saw the chocolate boobs. Clearly they hadn't thought she was capable of being so risque. All the other plates were phallic shapes – penises in all sorts of guises. Most unoriginal, thought Tabatha.

An older woman, dressed in black leather (what else?) introduced herself as Charlotte. A well-groomed brunette, with red streaks, who said she was the host of a local sex-toy shop called Penny's. Tabatha knew the one as she'd made a point of avoiding it for the last fifteen years.

Charlotte clapped her hands and said in was time to begin. They all sat down, in nervous anticipation.
“I've put a catologue on each of your chairs. And I will simply be talking about each item in it. Mainly vibrators. But we do stock other items such as lingerie, hand-cuffs, edible undies – that kind of thing...” Nervous laugher from all. Charlotte proceeded to explain what was what.

The vibrators came in so many shapes and sizes, and some had some ridiculous names. Some buzzed, some whirled, some had scary-looking bits on the end of them. And some were insanely huge. They were passed around and they all marveled how lovely they were to touch – almost as good as the real thing. Tabatha's cheeks glowed red at that. She knew that they all thought that she hadn't of course – hadn't ever seen a real one. And they were right. She was brought up by her Mum since she was three years old so there had been no nudity from the male side of things in her house. She'd had two boyfriends in college but they'd dumped her once they realised she wasn't going there. She knew the question was coming. How to deal with this one? It would be all over work on Monday that she was a twenty eight year old Virgin. She skulled a glass of wine lying next to her. She remembered a DVD she watched recently – all she had to do was put in her name and tell the story as she remembered it.

“Donald, he was my first” she smiled “An older man. Much older.”
Bronwyn's mouth formed an “oh” and The Tight Threesome sat there in disbelief.
“You've never mentioned any, er, suitors before” said Chris, her arms crossed and in full interrogation pose.
“Well I couldn't could I” she almost whispered “He's married.”
There were lots of ooooooohs!
”Well, what happened? Didn't leave his wife for you love? “ Bronwyn touched her arm.
“No, no” said Tabatha, gulping back her second glass “I used him. Picked him because he was married. It wasn't about love for me. But poor Donald...”
Bronwyn and The Tight Threesome exchanged looks of surprise.

“Anyway, Oliver was my next conquest. He was French canadian. Loved the accent but too soppy for me. Poetry is overratred, you know. So, out the door he went. Next was Gary. Sport jock. Great in the sack. But boring as out of it. Next was Philip. Loaded he was. Foreplay was great at all these exquisite restaurants but I soon tired of the wining and dining – I wanted something more real. Which is, where I'm at today. You know, waiting for someone worthwhile. I've kissed too many frogs I'm sure you know what I mean girls...” she finished dramatically making sure she made eye contact with The Tight Threesome. They all nodded sympathically.
Browyn held up her ring finger “It's worth the wait girls” she smiled proudly as she waved her rocks around the room.

Had they really brought all that? Tabatha was shocked at herself. No wonder she'd steered clear of wine. Clearly her imagination went into over-drive on the stuff.

Chris was eyeing her suspiciously. “We've worked with you for two years and you've never mentioned any of this before...”
Tabatha held up her hand as if to silence her “I don't usually make a habit of kissing and telling. But I trust ladies that my secrets are safe in this room.” They all nodded though she knew damn well by Monday that her sordid fake past would be spread around the office as fast as chinese whispers in a playground.