Parenting Your Way

"New Mum On The Block "
Nelson District Parent Centre Newsletter July/August 2007

As soon as I embarked on this journey called parenthood, it seemed I was exposed to several choices. That meant making decisions. And with every decision to be made, there came opinions. Or advice. Whichever way you look at it, there is always someone, somewhere more than willing to “share” their well-meaning advice in that minefield called parenthood.

Once pregnant the first decision was to do with mid-wives – hospital or independent?
I chose independent simply because I'd been given the brochure!

Then of course the birth itself – did I want a natural birth or a drug-induced one, in a hospital or a home birth? Well, I had hoped my birthing experience was going to resemble something a la The Pink Kit that I religiously “practised” during the months leading up to my due date. I opted for a hospital birth as I'm a cautious (or is it practical?) Virgo and quite fancied a few cooked meals post-delivery. (even if the scrambled eggs resembled a slab of cheese).

However, when birth plans go anything but planned, and suddenly every drug under the sun is administered, the safety of mother and child is most important. The birthing story isn't nearly as exciting – how does one relay the experience of being sliced open in surgery whilst knocked unconscious? Call me stupid, but I do hold a little bit of green envy for the Mum's who've experienced the whole shebang – contractions, waters breaking, labour, the bloodiness of birth and seeing the face of the newborn for the first time, covered in gunk and goo. My birth story has a beginning and an end – but no middle. One minute I was on the operating table, next minute a mask placed over my face as my world temporarily turned black. Then I woke up to see a brand-spanking, gunk-free babe in my hubby's arms! It was hard to make the association in my brain initially that she was actually mine.

The choices went on. Breastfeeding or formula? When breastfeeding is anything but natural to begin with, it's easy to see why for some it just doesn't work out. I persevered finding it to be far from natural to begin with. But I would never have dreamed that one day it would not only feel natural but that I'd still be breastfeeding, albeit occasionally, my two plus year old.

Cloth nappies or disposables? Well for this fumble-fingered Mum, dealing with the folding of a cloth nappy was too much. For me, it was a little like origami. I started with disposables and apart from a brief stint this Summer of using a few modern cloth nappies as well, they have been my nappy of choice. Sure I have felt bad about all the waste. And over the Summer I did enjoy hanging out the modern cloth nappies on the line, and felt a little more proud of my green efforts. But for us, they did lead to nappy rash so that didn't work out as a long-term measure.

Choices are made along the way as to how we want to achieve balance within parenthood. And that's going to be different for everyone. Some of us need stimulation outside of the home. Some don't so much. There seems to be a lot of judgment out there around the whole childcare issue. If a Mum is happier having some space in her week from her children, then she should go for it. For the Mums like myself who choose not to use childcare, our kids aren't missing out. So long as they are socialised and stimulated, at the end of the day, they are all going to turn out pretty much the same.

Spacing is another choice parents have to make when expanding their wee families. Some choose to have their children closer together to get “all the nappies out of the way” or so siblings will hopefully play together. Others prefer some space between siblings for economic reasons or maybe just want to enjoy their firstborn a little longer and/or the freedom that comes with having an independent toddler.

Some of us don't have a choice with spacing as we face fertility issues. And so my latest decision to make has been how to approach this. Again, there are very black and white solutions out there. Fertility drugs or herbal remedies? For today I've chosen herbal remedies but will keep an open mind in the future.

It seems a lot of the choices to be made by us Mums (and Dads) are quite black and white, initially. Yet when in the midst of parenting, many gray areas unwittingly appear. There are pros and cons for every choice to be made. And obviously parents are going to be supportive and perhaps opinionated about the parenting decisions they've made that have worked for them. Personally I now I have my own strong views and opinions around some areas of parenting and know that not everyone will agree with me.

We are all different and so we will all parent in our own unique way. I've found in the last two years of parenting that I will always disagree with some parents around their choices just as some will disagree with my choices. The important thing is to believe that you are doing the best job that you can, as you are your child's parents, and only you and you alone have the right to decide how to parent. It isn't anyone else's business how you parent. With that in mind, it isn't any of our business how others parent their kids either.